unsaid but hopefully well written

I was swiping through my instagram stories a couple of nights ago when I found that Emma from A Beautiful Mess had written a post about life lesson from her parents. I read that and couldn't agree more that, as she said, "the older I get, the more gratitude I feel toward my mom and dad,". Maybe because my point of view has change overtime. When I started to work, I have even more things to discussed with my mom and dad, and when I moved out, I feel like I grow even closer to my mother (I actually had this phase when it was awkward for me to have a talk with her and I really envy my sister who still kissed her goodnight sometimes, glad that it's not the case anymore).

I need to admit that my life right now isn't a breeze (there is some typhoon, just to add on the analogy, ha!), and even though I wish I had realize it earlier or in a better condition, I'm grateful enough that I had realize it now; the life lessons from my parents that surely had a part in shaping me up into what I am right now.

1. Do not afraid of people

In my early days of working in the office, I had really rough times adapting into working hours and responsibility. I remember that sunday, I was sick, and I need to be at the office because my work hasn't been finished and it was due on monday. I was crying (tbh, I am a crybaby who weep first, think later) and there was my mother sitting next to me. She wasn't really comforting me in a way I know (like patted me on the back or hugged me) but she said what I still remember until now, "what you are going to face tomorrow is people, just like you. Don't be afraid of people,".

That hits me hard because I know that at that time, I was crying because I was afraid that my boss would be mad at me. It's more about that than about me fail to keep the deadline and therefore, my responsibility. My mother taught me that I need to be brave to admit my fault and the consequences, but never to do so because I am afraid of a person and what he/she can do to me.

2. If you are not sure, ask

My father had years of working experience and this is what he had taught me whenever I was not feeling good about my working condition but didn't think that I have the right to ask. My father told me that when working, it is important to be professional and as clear as possible. If you are not sure about the terms, ask. If you are not agree to the condition, negotiate and leave, if you must.

For a person who find it's easier (and more comfortable) to accept and be understanding, I sometimes find it difficult to question things from those who had the upper hand. But then I realize that I would eventually, stand on my own and I need to face this kind of problem. It is a challenge for me even until now, but my father's examples and words had come in handy and add some bravery dose I need for my actions.

3. Be on time

One thing I learned about my parents are that they are always try to be on time. My father, for example, is a heavy sleeper (sure), but on his working days, he would went to work around the same time everyday. It was almost as if it was automatic for him to got up on the right time and preparing himself to work. I know that it was him being responsible, but nevertheless, it was a great example especially when I know that he would rather spend his free time staying at home (seriously, lol). He would even complain to me if he knew that I was running late for an appointment. The same goes to my mother.

Being late is still a problem for me and people around me, so it is a nice thing to know that my parents had set the example even before I know that it was a problem.

4. Going on with Life

Whenever I told my mother about things I'm currently facing (the ugly truth), she never blames anyone (as it was always my initial and automatic reaction, to find the one who is wrong). She taught me to choose to be kind, to understand that people might have their own struggle and that everything that comes to us was from Allah. Therefore, there must be some good lesson to learn from.

In a way, it was similar to that part from Ika Natassa's foreword in Antologi Rasa (my favorite book of her), "every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back,". It was like, why spend time to agonize over things that happened and wondering of what could have been while it is better to learn and let go (though no one say it was easy).

I kinda have a hard time putting this one into words, but I guess this is it.

Looking back, there are lots of examples my parents had set to make me and my siblings a better person (even the smallest things like do not litter and do not watch weird TV programmes - we had this rule when we were children when we weren't allowed to watch TV after maghrib time on school days and no soap-operas) by their standard. I'm just so lucky to have them as my parents regardless the time we spent arguing (because who doesn't?)

To tell you the truth, after writing those down, I am feeling even more grateful for them and it's like I have charged my battery to its fullest again. What a happiest feeling :).

Because it's been a long time since I write about books and still confidently stating on my profile that I am a lifetime reader, I thought it would be nice to update about my current reading situation.

So, this year, I have skipped two of the most awaited book fair in town : Big Bad Wolf 2018 last April and Indonesia International Book Fair last September. I have to admit that I can't spare my weekends going there because of other plans, but then again, it's been a while since I was properly reading something. I even had books from BBW 2017 I haven't read yet. Wow, that was new.

Anyway, these days, I've been going back on reading because I am contributing on another blog which demands me to read lots of things first before writing about a topic (the blog is on my sidebar, kindly check on that if you are interested in material and design ;)). And I just got a book I've ordered about a month or month and half ago finally delivered to me. I think that's what triggered me to read more and kind of regretting missed the IIBF couple weeks ago.

1. Wonder

Have you watch the movie? I haven't. And before watching the trailer on youtube, I have never had the interest to get a copy. But I watched it somehow and not long after that find a deal on instagram in which the book was sold on a deal (like, 60% of its actual price). I immediately order that (and my long awaited Emma Mills' latest release; Foolish Hearts which unfortunately can not be sent to me at the end) and the book finally arrived earlier this week.

I am not good with review, but all I can say is that this book is that one book that make you feel good.   about life. It has all that cliche messages like don't judge the book by it's cover and be kind because everyone is fighting their own battle, but one that hits me best is this one :

2. Crazy Rich Asians

I know I'm jumping on the mainstream bandwagon on this one. I have watched the movie last weekend and I loveee it. That and To All the Boys I've Loved Before is definitely two movies I have watch this year (yes, I don't watch movies that often, I only watch k-shows because I have that Viu app on my phone) and wouldn't mind to rewatch.

I was triggered to read the book after several articles saying that there are differences between the book and the movie. This one, I read the e-book version and already halfway through it. And already looove it. It might not quite quotable but I love how the story unfold. Also the setting makes me craving another holiday to Singapore, just because ;)

3. My To-Be-Read List

Since Wonder and Crazy Rich Asians, I thought I could go back to my reading mode (also to do 1 row of book photos on instagram, please don't judge ;D). I was actually starting to read Imperfect by Meira Anastasia but stopped halfway because I always have a hard time reading non-fiction and I don't want to push my way throught it for now (maybe I can continue reading that later). But because I don't want to turn the mode off, I make a To-Be-Read list :

- China Rich Girlfriend and Rich People Problems by Kevin Kwan - because I love the first one even though I haven't finished it yet. And everyone story is interesting! And the details are amazing, and of course it's entertaining.

- The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion - because I've been reading positive reviews about this book and it was on a very good deal (20K for a book from a clearance sale) even though it was a translated version. Along with this book, I also ordered Singapore Begins by Agata Barbara and Hello NY by Julia Rothman (eventhough the arrival of these packages are still unknown -,-)

- Foolish Heart by Emma Mills - definitely gonna have this one by the end of the year, once I got my refund.

Yay! I'm so excited about receiving packages of book I actually like! For now, I'm gonna settle with rearranging my bookshelf after leaving it for so long.

bye now! :D

Kalo nggak salah inget yaaa, pertama kali saya denger lagu These Are the Days of Our Lives itu taun 2012. Hasil ngestalk video lulus-lulusan senior yang pake lagu itu tapi versinya Marcella Mangabeira.

Pertama denger langsung suka banget karena liriknya gini :

Those are the days of our lives
The bad things in life were so few

It sounds totally optimistic, buat saya sih kayak nyuruh supaya positive thinking dan bersyukur sama apa yang ada di hidup saya. Walaupun kalau dipikir-pikir lagi, the bad things in life are not just a few.  Apalagi kalau konteksnya nggak cuma diri sendiri, ya. Tapi saya nggak pengen bahas kesitu sih wkwk. Ya intinya, it is true that the bad things in life aren't just a few, tapi terus nggak berarti kita disregarding the countless blessing we had.

Saya lagi diingatkan terussss supaya banyak banyak bersyukur. Bisa bangun setiap pagi, masih bisa berdiri untuk solat subuh, masih ada yang bisa dikerjakan setiap hari, masih ada banyak kesempatan dan ajakan untuk beramal soleh, masih bisa memilih mau makan atau nggak makan malem, masih bisa punya harapan, masih bisa punya keinginan, masih dikelilingi sama orang-orang baik, dan masih bisa ngerem diri sendiri untuk hal-hal yang saya nggak mau lakukan tapi masih suka refleks ngelakuin juga.

Nginget-nginget yang baik-baik gini suka bikin pengen nangis sih, sebenernya, wkwk. Nangis bahagia gitu kan sedih soalnya udah mikir jelek, udah ngerasa paling kasihan di seluruh dunia, padahal mah nggak gitu.

a lot of times we need to be reminded that the bad things in life are a few... if we look closely, if we look to the right place.

Lagi pengeeeeen bgt nulis soal bahagia belakangan ini. Soalnya entah kenapa beberapa kali, lagi ngerasa seneng dan nggak ada beban banget, terus kayak tersadar dan mikir, am I deserve to be happy?

Sebenernya sedih sih karena terbersit pikiran kayak gitu. Walaupun saya juga paham betul kondisi kayak apa yang saya alami sampai bisa mikir gitu. Tapi terus jadi sadar, pikiran yang nggak dikasih 'makanan' yang baik, bisa banget menghalangi saya untuk jalan ke depan.

Jadi yang saya pelajari beberapa bulan belakangan ini adalah, apapun yang saya hadapi, sebetulnya saya bisa memilih, mau bikin hal tersebut jadi alasan saya untuk jalan di tempat dan merasa nggak pantas bahagia atau memutuskan untuk bangun dan melihat pintu kesempatan apa yang kemudian terbuka untuk saya. Saya nggak bilang saya konsisten memilih pilihan kedua. Ada kalanya, dan nggak jarang, saya mempertimbangkan pilihan yang pertama (yang sebenernya buang-buang waktu aja, sih karena pada akhirnya saya kembali ke pilihan yang kedua).

Alasan kenapa saya mempertimbangkan pilihan yang pertama adalah karena itu lebih mudah. Mengasihani diri sendiri dan ngejadiin itu alesan untuk staying longer in bed in the morning, dropping tasks for some so-called healing binge watching tv shows, and procrastinating itu kedengeran kayak... lebih sayang sama diri sendiri dan jauh lebih mudah. Jauh lebih mudah juga untuk merasa ada orang lain yang bersalah sama saya. Jauh lebih mudah untuk mengasihani diri sendiri daripada sadar kalau well-being saya nggak seharusnya di-define sama keberadaan/perbuatan orang lain.

Itulah kenapa saya bilang saya sedih saat sadar kalau terkadang saya mikir apakah saya pantas bahagia, apakah saya pantas living my life like I have no worry? Karena jawaban buat pertanyaan itu ya cuma satu. Pantas. My happiness, my well-being, my view of my own life shouldn't be define by other things except by the one who give out the life and happiness Himself.

And this, leads to the second choice that I try to keep on choosing everytime I back to the square one.

Orang-orang yang saya percaya selalu (and write that in italic, bold letters, se-la-lu) bilang ke saya bahwa apapun yang kejadian ke saya adalah kehendak Allah yang memang pasti terjadi. Sekarang, karena apa yang saya alami ini bukan pilihan, yang jadi pilihan adalah cara saya menyikapinya. Ya dua pilihan yang saya bilang tadi. Mau yang sesuai sama hawa nafsu manusia atau mau yang pakai potensi berupa akal yang sudah dibekelin juga sama Allah?

Gimana caranya bisa terus memilih pilihan yang kedua? Kasih makan pikirannya yang bener. Bukan dengan pembelaan diri, bukan dengan menganalisa siapa yang salah atau benar, not with questioning what could have been. Tapi dengan mendekatkan diri teruuuus ke Allah, minta diberi kekuatan, kesabaran, dan minta dikasih hati yang ikhlas. Minta dikasih penyelesaian yang baik sama yang Maha berkehendak. Dan percaya bahwa Allah tidak akan memberi sesuatu di luar kemampuan hambaNya. Berat, iya. Tapi Allah lebih tau kemampuan saya.

That morning, a thought suddenly crossed my mind.

I have started this blog in 2009, back then, a lot of personal story got published and I have several of them deleted by now (talking about erasing evidences of a younger version of me writing in cheesier style, haha). I was looking back on my archives and a lot of my early writings were about which drama or movie I have watched or wanted to watch. What was on my playlist, a lot about my high school friends, and my university life.

In recent years, I put more thoughts in my post and I don't post as frequently as I used to anymore. Part of it was because I was being more cautious about sharing my private life, and another was because I was kind of insecure as I read more and more blogs. Will my post worth enough to read? Is there any reader at all? And so on and so on. What started as something just for fun, become something I put a lot of insecure thought of. And it wasn't that fun anymore.

I read a lot of popular blogs told their reader in their blog post that to get a reader wasn't their initial intention. I know I was being salty, but they have reader anyway, while I wanted to get a reader and doesn't seem to have any (though I don't really know). I started to analyze everything, like, do I want my blog to be a travel blog? But I don't travel that often. Do I want it to be thoughtful, a collection of my thought? But were my two cents worth enough to read? Do I want it to be a review of books/movies/drama I have watched? But I can't review (the truth), just like my food was edible and inedible for me, books/movies/dramas are my style/not my style and no in between, so I can solely focus on that.

What should my blog be about?

I think and I think and I didn't seem to have anything worthy enough to post and ended up being salty because everyone else's life seems to be interesting and sometimes not that interesting but still, they post things.

Until finally, I came to this cliche realization that mine doesn't need to be like others'.

Mine can be a collage of my own life; be it random thoughts, snippet of my life, my current playlist, my stand on something, my travel notes, my DIY projects. Mine can be updated regularly, twice a week or once for every 2 months, but it is still mine anyway. I guess this is how I extending the meaning of loving myself, as blogging and my blog wasn't physically a part of me, but an extension of myself.

Mine are things unsaid but hopefully well written.

Cheers for more free-of-worry blogging session in the future :)