unsaid but hopefully well written

It's mixed feelings when I thought that maybe one friendly relationship has turns into something obligatory.

You know, those times when it wasn't the sum of unconscious effort anymore. When meeting each other started as an annoying discussion of who has no schedule and who always seems to be busy all the time. When buying souvenirs while traveling wasn't coming from a dear thought but an obligation. When it is even difficult to forgive, to take someone's bad nature for granted. To understand silently and to listen, not to reply.

This might be the result of the endless game of 'assign meaning to everything'. Maybe this is only me overthinking. Maybe what have I done wasn't a friendly trait either. Maybe us, just try to believe that this is one of those magical, effortless friendly relationship, when this was never it.

Mixed feelings, right?

jadi mahasiswa tingkat akhir itu berarti jadi orang yang dihujani pertanyaan yang didahului dengan kata 'apa' ('apa topik skripsinya?'), dilanjutkan dengan 'kapan' (misalnya 'kapan lulus?' dan 'kapan wisuda?' lebih jauh lagi 'kapan mulai cari kerja?' dan 'kapan nikah' (yang terakhir kejauhan sih keponya)) yang diikuti dengan pertanyaan di mana ('mau kerja di mana?' 'mau lanjut sekolah di mana?' dan 'udah daftar di mana aja?').

saya pernah baca tulisan orang yang udah lulus, dia bilang intinya begini 'kalo nggak kenal-kenal banget nggak usahlah nanya-nanya abis lulus ini dia mau ke mana. it is indeed the hardest question we didn't learn in university'. dan saya setuju sama hal itu. pertanyaan ini terlalu nyebelin (meskipun jawabannya penting).

percayalah teman-teman walaupun kita nggak dapet sinyal satu semester penuh jadi orang tua sama sekali nggak bisa nanyain progres skripsi dan kapan wisuda dilaksanakan sampe ga bisa scroll timeline twitter untuk tau keluh kesah orang-orang tentang skripsi masing-masing atau laporan progress masing-masing, pertanyaan-pertanyaan di atas itu tetep aja menghantui (dengan versi macam-macam).

siapa yang nanyain? diri sendiri. satu bagian yang daleeeeeeeem dan jauuuuuuuh banget di otak dan hati, bolak-balik mempertanyakan. setelah lulus lalu apa?

dan percaya, deh, to take a step forward is never easy.

saya bisa aja menjabarkan beberapa kemungkinan yang bisa terjadi setelah saya lulus. tapi untuk mengambil first step itu, sampai sekarang saya masih ragu. entah karena apa. sepertinya masih ada yang mengganjal. walaupun ini jadi reminder juga sih, saya harusnya bersyukur. enam belas tahun belakangan ini saya sekolah nggak berenti nggak pake galau mau masuk sekolah yang mana. lancaaaarrrr kayak jalanan di kampus.

ini kali pertama saya tahu perpindahana fasenya tidak akan semudah dulu. sekarang saya yang memutuskan, mau ke mana, mau apa, mau di mana, mau bagaimana...

to move on is never easy, either to take a step forward. the future might not pitch black, but it is so bright that it is blinding. yang pasti, kemanapun akhirnya, semoga saya tetap 'nggak kemana-mana'

terharu adalah ngirim draft skripsi jam 21:16 waktu Jakarta (yang berarti sekitar jam 11 di Jepang) terus dibales jam 21:30 waktu Jakarta. LIMA BELAS MENIT SAUDARA-SAUDARA! dan ini hari Minggu dan udah mau tengah malem.

waktu itu saya nanggepin temen saya yang nanya kenapa saya milih dosen ini jadi pembimbing skripsi dengan "nggak apa-apa yang penting gue diurusin," dan ternyata diurusinnya beyond imagination. kayak ancol gitu lah kira-kira.

terimakasih ya buuu. mulai sekarang janji nggak procrastinating lagi (meskipun dipanggil-panggil dramacrazy, meskipun dipanggil-panggil mangafox)

'kalau kamu di sini...' itu frase paling bikin galau sedunia. it's as if your presence will make things better and unfortunately you can't be there. it's as if you had made a wrong choice not to be there.

or in the other hand, it is a relief that you are not even there. that your presence will ruin things and it's as if you're not even wanted.

then if you're such an over-thinking kind of people then you'll suffer from this phrase

the more I think about it, the more I realize that the majority of architecture student are in some kind of love/hate relationship. you said that it waste your time sometimes, that it makes you deal with some petty little things you never know exist before, it makes you stay up all night, it makes you addicted to coffee or any drink that helps you awake, it makes you do silly things like taking photo with a holed cardboard as if you are a game board (you know, the one with bunny appeared in a hole for you to hit), it makes your skin burnt after an endless survey, it makes you look terrible in the morning because you got no sleep and you have to present things early in the morning, and so on.

As bad as it would sound, it never really gets that bad. I mean, there is always pride in noticing details that some people may not even know, it always relieving to see your display printed on time after staying up all night, it is good to know a lot types of drinks and know exactly the effect to your body (does it make you stay awake and body-ache the day after, or it doesn't strong enough, or it makes you want more, or it doesn't taste good but it makes your eyes open), it is always fun to do silly things people won't do in their classroom, it is amazing how you can find things in a place that being taken for granted after being in that place almost a whole week, and it makes you proud.

really, I have never seen someone talks about architecture (no matter how bad it is for them) without such enthusiasm.

I guess we are all suffer from the love/hate relationship with this major

these two words running around me these days (after this heavenly month of Ramadhan and bandung-escape). that people has their own perspective and their own priority, therefore their opinion on things might differ.

My friend said that one of the advantages of meeting other people is to preparing herself to the real world, when the toughest one wins over the weak. She said to me that it is an experience to enjoy, not some bad moments to be grumpy about. For me, it is when we learn that we have to listen and filter. That people has their own perspective, it is something unchanged. But it does not mean that I have to follow through. That I have my own perspective is something that people has to know too.

From the perspective comes the priority. A friend of mine said that our past is not her priority right now. She told me that meeting all of us is a reward for a hard work she has done. That is not someone's to argue, that is her priority that comes from her own perspective.

It's hard to defend yourself sometimes, people might not listen. but anyway, your perspective and priority is something that people has to respect. Still, listen to other people that their voice might be right. Filter it with your knowledge, make yourself a better person.

because I'm feeling happiest today :) even more than a feeling when I see this picture

x

don't you want the waaay I feel..

balada cewek takut darah yang hobi nonton drama dokter. liat orang diinfus aja meringis ini liat orang dioperasi mendadak di terowongan. serem tapi nagih. lagi nonton ini loh saya dari seminggu yang lalu.

this might be the most selfish line ever ran in my mind (by now).

Thank God I could not.

hal paling sulit saat mau mulai ngerjain persiapan presentasi adalah niat. There's a lot in mind already, but the will hasn't come yet. Cliche, dan sebenernya dibuat-buat. Tapi entah kenapa selalu terjadi empat kali setahun, dua kali tiap semester. tiap mau uas dan uts.

kalo liat portfolio orang-orang di internet itu suka sedih sendiri kalo liat folder tugas di komputer. mereka kalo ngerjain itu penuh passion dan keliatannya emang kayak lagi seneng-seneng bukan menuhin deadline. seringnya tanya-tanya sendiri, kapaaaan ya kerjaan gue keliatannya bisa kayak gitu. salahnya adalah, yang gue lakukan cuma nanya-nanya sendiri aja, bukannya bergerak. hehehehehe. ini masalah se obvious ini kok nggak ilang-ilang juga, ya?

jadi yaudahlah, ini post tentang refleksi diri doang. soalnya lagi butek, minggu depan presentasi tapi mood ngerjain ga dateng-dateng, ngetok pintu di kepala aja nggak. huah. what am I going to do with myself? but anyway, harusnya quote-nya Edmud Bacon bener, ya : "It's in the doing that the idea come,"


happy (almost) holiday

The Hunger Games trilogy is the most thought-provoking, mind blowing, with the unhappiest happy ending story I have ever read. It is intense, and it doesn't even lose its charm after 3 books. I did think it was boring at the second book, but when I move to the second part of the book, I change my mind. Anthony Horowitz and Rick Riordan has not been exaggerating for their comment on the cover.

Thank you, Suzanne Collins, for Katniss Everdeen, Johanna Mason, Cinna, Prim, the prep trio, Haymitch Abernathy, Boggs, and Katniss' father. Thank you for the brilliant Quarter Quell Arena. Thank you for the shocking ending.

dear you,

reading yours makes me feel like I have done something really wrong back then. At the slightest time, I hope for the time to take me back there but I know it will never going to happen and all that I have is everything that is in front of me now. That you have been on a very right hand, and I should be focused on my own business.

I'm lost at words now. I guess you were having a very hard time, were you? I wish I could be a better sister or friend. I wish you could share your stories to me, not avoiding me for the so-called gap of age. I was so arrogant to ignore the idea of being growing up and living life in teen ages.

I'm sorry. And I mean it. Thank you for the enlightenment anyway. And I miss you

dream big achieve bigger

I overheard a friend of mine, talking how she was planning to get into an architecture school before she got into one. She was saying that right now, she is going to make such plan again, for a bigger future, I guess. Life goes on after all, nothing waits you, not even the yellow bus or the train in the station.

i have a dream. I have lots of dreams and sometimes I just keep quiet and wait. But yes, people are moving, it seems like the one who are not moving is me and trust me this is frustrating. It seems like everything that is already on your hand slips just like water dropping from a hold of a hand. What is left is only the glimpse of it, the tiniest bits of it.

dream big and achieve bigger. you are what you dream of.

my childhood is relatively childish and fun.

I remember memorizing almost every theme song of anime; Doraemon, P-Man, Ninja Hattori, Hamtaro, Flame of Recca, Captain Tsubasa, Digimon, and so on. Waiting eagerly for Harry Potter new book, and sang Sherina's songs.

I remember all Sunday waiting for Doraemon, Digimon, and other anime on TV until noon. Watching Agnes on Tralala Trilili, and shouting 'tetep asyik' everytime the host asked 'apa kabar dunia' on Kring Kring Olala Show.

Sampai sekarang, di studio, kalo lagi bosen ngerjain tugas yang nggak selesai-selesai, sering banget randomly nyanyi lagu anime jaman dulu itu, ngetawain liriknya, dan cerita-cerita tentang ritual sunday morning jaman kecil; gimana dulu bangun pagi cuma buat nonton Let's and Go dan nggak mandi sampe jam 11 siang saat semua kartun selesai ditayangin, or how fixated we are on Amigos and Pokemon.

I feel grateful for my childish childhood. Terutama pas kemaren liat di TV ada anak-anak kecil, even younger than my 4th grade brother, nyanyi lagu Cherrybelle plus koreografinya. Bukannya apa-apa sih, cuman nggak seru aja, masa pas mereka gede nanti nggak ada cerita tentang kartun or any childish thing. Gue kasihan, jujur aja, lebih rela ikutan nonton Barney, Magical School Bus, dan Dora the Explorer daripada ngebiarin anak kecil nonton acara musik yang akhirnya bikin mereka nggak ada cita-cita lain selain jadi terkenal, instantly. Minimal, kalo nonton Dora itu, kan, kita bisa belajar bahasa Spanyol.

No offense, really. Jadi artis itu nggak salah dan susah juga, but just don't waste their mind with something not yet for their age. Childhood might be the years of fun and honest we won't get back even if we try to. Semasih-masihnya temen-temen gue baca Doraemon, nonton Cardcaptor Sakura dan One Piece in marathon, humming lagunya Ninja Boy, dan nyela-nyela Hamtaro, we are only reminiscing the past, not repeating it.

Ada banyak temen yang bilang, 'heran deh anak jaman sekarang kenapa pada pengen cepet gede,' because for me, and maybe for them, when we were young we were wishing to be forever young. It was time when we have nothing to worry about, not even the school. Because the more you grow, the more responsible you have. Now, have it while you can, bocah-bocah imut yang masih kecil! Be talkative, be curious, and be childish, you won't even get a second back :)

bahagia itu sederhana. sesederhana selesai baca buku, berhasil bangun pagi, berhasil internetan tanpa main coco girl, punya pulsa untuk balas SMS, selesai target baca buku, bikin layout bagus, produktif di studio,

dan email penting yang masuk di inbox.

bahagia benar-benar sederhana :)

what brings you to blok m square this afternoon?

of course it must be the #10thnaadc. ini pasti euforia setelah Nicholas Saputra muncul di iklan L'oreal Men Expert, dan tiba-tiba dateng di afair2012 pas hari Jum'at (yang guenya ada di gambir jam 3 eh ga mampir GI) yang gara-gara berita itu langsung nonton AADC di youtube daaaan begitu ada info kalo AADC diputer lagi hanya 2 hari di Blok M Square langsung cap cus dengan randomnya.

I'm not a big fan of the movie. bukan juga fans berat dari pemain filmnya. Gue bahkan nggak follow twitternya Mira Lesmana, MilesFilm atau Nicholas Saputra. Cuma, film AADC ini adalah film yang tiap tahunnya selalu gue tonton pas diputer di TV jaman dulu (I was only 11 when the movie was released, so I didn't watch it when it is still in the theater), dan film yang (selain Petualangan Sherina) kalo nonton gue sampe hapal dialognya.

Hayo, siapa yang dulu abis nonton langsung ngikutin tulisannya Cinta yang huruf 'R' nya gede di adegan dia nulis surat buat Rangga pas mau ngembaliin buku? I would say that I do. Dan siapa yang jaman sekarang nggak tau kalimat 'Salah gue? Salah temen-temen gue?'? Because that words, besides the phenomenal scene of chasing after Rangga at the airport, entah kenapa sangat terkenal dan menurut gue... simply memorable.

I'm not going to review the movie. I know that most of you (especially those in my ages) have already watched the movie, maybe for more than twice. For me, the movie is simply nice and right.

For your information, gue jadi orang yang beli tiket pertama di 21 tadi siang gara-gara ngiranya bakalan ada antrian lebay sampe ke luar bioskop (which is not, mungkin karena Kamis siang juga yang free ya kami-kami ini mahasiswa yang masuk kuliah minggu depan). Gue dan 3 temen gue udah harap-harap cemas aja tuh ntar tiba-tiba ada pemain filmnya yang muncul (yang ternyata nggak. dan yaiyalah nggak).

Selama film diputer, yang kedengeran adalah suara orang-orang ngetawain Milly dan suara-suara cewek ngomong 'so sweet' di beberapa adegannya Cinta sama Rangga. After all, menurut gue, film ini kan emang diputer lagi karena 10 tahun itu, so you might not really pay attention to the movie (since it already etched to your mind), but you'll definitely enjoy the reunion :)

ini masih dalam rangka ngarep tweetnya di reply sama Mira Lesmana dan/atau Nicholas Saputra loh. well, keep dreaming :D

tau nggak rasanya punya penulis favorit yang kita udah tau pasti tulisannya bagus (cheesy but still... just don't complain about this strange taste of mine), pengen banget baca bukunya, pengen banget beli bukunya tapi covernya minta dicopot?

aaaaargh!

I don't mean anything actually, it's just... you know there's saying : Don't Judge a Book by its Cover. For me, when it comes to book, sometimes you have to know what you are doing with the cover. You really have to know what have you done to the cover. aaaaaa

this should sound narcissistic. whatever. I love my new header. I love blue sky. I hope my feelings could be as bright and clear as the picture.

i fail this time. i need a break

you just have to try to listen this guy sing 'perih' by vierra. I found myself melted.

hahahaha been so long off and here I am, in the middle of an impossible-task-to-finish by this morning, writing about my addiction to his voice