unsaid but hopefully well written

It's mixed feelings when I thought that maybe one friendly relationship has turns into something obligatory.

You know, those times when it wasn't the sum of unconscious effort anymore. When meeting each other started as an annoying discussion of who has no schedule and who always seems to be busy all the time. When buying souvenirs while traveling wasn't coming from a dear thought but an obligation. When it is even difficult to forgive, to take someone's bad nature for granted. To understand silently and to listen, not to reply.

This might be the result of the endless game of 'assign meaning to everything'. Maybe this is only me overthinking. Maybe what have I done wasn't a friendly trait either. Maybe us, just try to believe that this is one of those magical, effortless friendly relationship, when this was never it.

Mixed feelings, right?

jadi mahasiswa tingkat akhir itu berarti jadi orang yang dihujani pertanyaan yang didahului dengan kata 'apa' ('apa topik skripsinya?'), dilanjutkan dengan 'kapan' (misalnya 'kapan lulus?' dan 'kapan wisuda?' lebih jauh lagi 'kapan mulai cari kerja?' dan 'kapan nikah' (yang terakhir kejauhan sih keponya)) yang diikuti dengan pertanyaan di mana ('mau kerja di mana?' 'mau lanjut sekolah di mana?' dan 'udah daftar di mana aja?').

saya pernah baca tulisan orang yang udah lulus, dia bilang intinya begini 'kalo nggak kenal-kenal banget nggak usahlah nanya-nanya abis lulus ini dia mau ke mana. it is indeed the hardest question we didn't learn in university'. dan saya setuju sama hal itu. pertanyaan ini terlalu nyebelin (meskipun jawabannya penting).

percayalah teman-teman walaupun kita nggak dapet sinyal satu semester penuh jadi orang tua sama sekali nggak bisa nanyain progres skripsi dan kapan wisuda dilaksanakan sampe ga bisa scroll timeline twitter untuk tau keluh kesah orang-orang tentang skripsi masing-masing atau laporan progress masing-masing, pertanyaan-pertanyaan di atas itu tetep aja menghantui (dengan versi macam-macam).

siapa yang nanyain? diri sendiri. satu bagian yang daleeeeeeeem dan jauuuuuuuh banget di otak dan hati, bolak-balik mempertanyakan. setelah lulus lalu apa?

dan percaya, deh, to take a step forward is never easy.

saya bisa aja menjabarkan beberapa kemungkinan yang bisa terjadi setelah saya lulus. tapi untuk mengambil first step itu, sampai sekarang saya masih ragu. entah karena apa. sepertinya masih ada yang mengganjal. walaupun ini jadi reminder juga sih, saya harusnya bersyukur. enam belas tahun belakangan ini saya sekolah nggak berenti nggak pake galau mau masuk sekolah yang mana. lancaaaarrrr kayak jalanan di kampus.

ini kali pertama saya tahu perpindahana fasenya tidak akan semudah dulu. sekarang saya yang memutuskan, mau ke mana, mau apa, mau di mana, mau bagaimana...

to move on is never easy, either to take a step forward. the future might not pitch black, but it is so bright that it is blinding. yang pasti, kemanapun akhirnya, semoga saya tetap 'nggak kemana-mana'

terharu adalah ngirim draft skripsi jam 21:16 waktu Jakarta (yang berarti sekitar jam 11 di Jepang) terus dibales jam 21:30 waktu Jakarta. LIMA BELAS MENIT SAUDARA-SAUDARA! dan ini hari Minggu dan udah mau tengah malem.

waktu itu saya nanggepin temen saya yang nanya kenapa saya milih dosen ini jadi pembimbing skripsi dengan "nggak apa-apa yang penting gue diurusin," dan ternyata diurusinnya beyond imagination. kayak ancol gitu lah kira-kira.

terimakasih ya buuu. mulai sekarang janji nggak procrastinating lagi (meskipun dipanggil-panggil dramacrazy, meskipun dipanggil-panggil mangafox)

'kalau kamu di sini...' itu frase paling bikin galau sedunia. it's as if your presence will make things better and unfortunately you can't be there. it's as if you had made a wrong choice not to be there.

or in the other hand, it is a relief that you are not even there. that your presence will ruin things and it's as if you're not even wanted.

then if you're such an over-thinking kind of people then you'll suffer from this phrase

the more I think about it, the more I realize that the majority of architecture student are in some kind of love/hate relationship. you said that it waste your time sometimes, that it makes you deal with some petty little things you never know exist before, it makes you stay up all night, it makes you addicted to coffee or any drink that helps you awake, it makes you do silly things like taking photo with a holed cardboard as if you are a game board (you know, the one with bunny appeared in a hole for you to hit), it makes your skin burnt after an endless survey, it makes you look terrible in the morning because you got no sleep and you have to present things early in the morning, and so on.

As bad as it would sound, it never really gets that bad. I mean, there is always pride in noticing details that some people may not even know, it always relieving to see your display printed on time after staying up all night, it is good to know a lot types of drinks and know exactly the effect to your body (does it make you stay awake and body-ache the day after, or it doesn't strong enough, or it makes you want more, or it doesn't taste good but it makes your eyes open), it is always fun to do silly things people won't do in their classroom, it is amazing how you can find things in a place that being taken for granted after being in that place almost a whole week, and it makes you proud.

really, I have never seen someone talks about architecture (no matter how bad it is for them) without such enthusiasm.

I guess we are all suffer from the love/hate relationship with this major

these two words running around me these days (after this heavenly month of Ramadhan and bandung-escape). that people has their own perspective and their own priority, therefore their opinion on things might differ.

My friend said that one of the advantages of meeting other people is to preparing herself to the real world, when the toughest one wins over the weak. She said to me that it is an experience to enjoy, not some bad moments to be grumpy about. For me, it is when we learn that we have to listen and filter. That people has their own perspective, it is something unchanged. But it does not mean that I have to follow through. That I have my own perspective is something that people has to know too.

From the perspective comes the priority. A friend of mine said that our past is not her priority right now. She told me that meeting all of us is a reward for a hard work she has done. That is not someone's to argue, that is her priority that comes from her own perspective.

It's hard to defend yourself sometimes, people might not listen. but anyway, your perspective and priority is something that people has to respect. Still, listen to other people that their voice might be right. Filter it with your knowledge, make yourself a better person.

because I'm feeling happiest today :) even more than a feeling when I see this picture

x

don't you want the waaay I feel..

balada cewek takut darah yang hobi nonton drama dokter. liat orang diinfus aja meringis ini liat orang dioperasi mendadak di terowongan. serem tapi nagih. lagi nonton ini loh saya dari seminggu yang lalu.

this might be the most selfish line ever ran in my mind (by now).

Thank God I could not.

hal paling sulit saat mau mulai ngerjain persiapan presentasi adalah niat. There's a lot in mind already, but the will hasn't come yet. Cliche, dan sebenernya dibuat-buat. Tapi entah kenapa selalu terjadi empat kali setahun, dua kali tiap semester. tiap mau uas dan uts.

kalo liat portfolio orang-orang di internet itu suka sedih sendiri kalo liat folder tugas di komputer. mereka kalo ngerjain itu penuh passion dan keliatannya emang kayak lagi seneng-seneng bukan menuhin deadline. seringnya tanya-tanya sendiri, kapaaaan ya kerjaan gue keliatannya bisa kayak gitu. salahnya adalah, yang gue lakukan cuma nanya-nanya sendiri aja, bukannya bergerak. hehehehehe. ini masalah se obvious ini kok nggak ilang-ilang juga, ya?

jadi yaudahlah, ini post tentang refleksi diri doang. soalnya lagi butek, minggu depan presentasi tapi mood ngerjain ga dateng-dateng, ngetok pintu di kepala aja nggak. huah. what am I going to do with myself? but anyway, harusnya quote-nya Edmud Bacon bener, ya : "It's in the doing that the idea come,"


happy (almost) holiday

The Hunger Games trilogy is the most thought-provoking, mind blowing, with the unhappiest happy ending story I have ever read. It is intense, and it doesn't even lose its charm after 3 books. I did think it was boring at the second book, but when I move to the second part of the book, I change my mind. Anthony Horowitz and Rick Riordan has not been exaggerating for their comment on the cover.

Thank you, Suzanne Collins, for Katniss Everdeen, Johanna Mason, Cinna, Prim, the prep trio, Haymitch Abernathy, Boggs, and Katniss' father. Thank you for the brilliant Quarter Quell Arena. Thank you for the shocking ending.

dear you,

reading yours makes me feel like I have done something really wrong back then. At the slightest time, I hope for the time to take me back there but I know it will never going to happen and all that I have is everything that is in front of me now. That you have been on a very right hand, and I should be focused on my own business.

I'm lost at words now. I guess you were having a very hard time, were you? I wish I could be a better sister or friend. I wish you could share your stories to me, not avoiding me for the so-called gap of age. I was so arrogant to ignore the idea of being growing up and living life in teen ages.

I'm sorry. And I mean it. Thank you for the enlightenment anyway. And I miss you