Tuesday, May 9, 2017

For Now, Maybe It's Not for Me


What do you want to be?

The answer changes over time. When I was a kid, I remember I wanted to be an architect. At some point on high school, I have wanted to be a script writer, and there's also a time when I want to be a person who do voice over for advertisement.

I went to architecture school after finishing high school. Still likes to write and still love the sound of people who does voice over. But maybe that's not for me.

As I graduate from the school, and being a junior architect for a year, I often wonder, if this is what I want. Drawing on computer, overworked, arrived home in the morning just to be at the office again more or less at 9, whining every time I met my friend... I guess I am not. So I quit.

I guess I wasn't cut out for being in the office. Maybe that's not for me.

I love doing DIY, so I started trying things like doodling and book binding, but 8 months later, I was going nowhere near any stationery business I thought I want to have. Also not inch closer to any graduate school application I thought I had wanted. I told everyone, I don't know what I want to study, I don't want to messed up (or maybe just afraid).

Maybe continuing the school is not for me.

So I'm back being in the office again even though I thought it wasn't for me just the year before. This time as a junior landscape architect. Thankfully the working situation is much better than the first one though I can't say that it was the best. Maybe specializing in landscape is for me, maybe I just got to know about it right now.

After 1.5 years, I quit again, this time, I got offered another architect job in which I can work from home. I thought I want that; at that time, I realize that no matter how hard it was doing my work, how I was actually overworked and no matter how much I whine, there's part of me that likes doing it.

Maybe this is for me.

And not working full time was the ultimate on my wishlist. Imagine working from home, setting up a home office, actually doing what I like, making stationery products in between, traveling without having to worry about filling the leave form. I was excited of the opportunity.

Maybe this is for me.

But after spending couple of weeks doing nothing, working with speed of snail (like, I finish presentation slides for a week while I can do the whole thing in a day when I was still in the office), and the temptation of watching anything as fast as the episode is out, makes me realize that maybe this is not for me. I'm doing trips to the office again just 1.5 months after.

I can be the girl who prefer to be home all weekend, reading in my room to going out and watch movies, settle with whatever food in the house because I'm too lazy to go out and looking for more choice of food outside, but apparently, working from home is not for me.

On a conversation with a friend of mine, we agree that we actually need to wear good clothes and being outside of the house to work. That doesn't mean I don't prefer being at home, or I wanted to work in an office forever, it just means that maybe the thing is not for me.

In the future, there'll be more things that maybe not for me now, but later. Or vice versa. I'm pretty sure of that. Bottom line is, these last couple years, I've been trying all the things I thought both for me and not for me. I went here and there, doing this and that, coming out from the comfort zone and find the other. I guess there's still so much I can try, there's still so much things out there waiting for me to embrace and maybe to left once I know it is apparently not for me.

I guess, impossible is only impossible when it's proven that it is impossible :)


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