unsaid but hopefully well written

I confirmed a rumor to my friend once when I was on high school. Her answer was for me not to worry and that she thought I won't be asking her such thing. Other people will talk, they just don't trust what they can't explain, she said.

Maybe that's what happening to me. I just don't trust what I can't explain, of what I don't know yet, of things that is not yet to happen.

Distrust. Such a scary word, isn't it?

To quote my friend on her line's status; am I willing to exchange all those years of faith, of things I finally achieve, of the life I lead to this point, to a distrust from an overthinking human?

No matter how hard it feels right now, I know what I have to do, I know what I need to do. The rest, I don't need to explain, time will reveal, He will reveal.

Allah, aku ingin ikhlas.

I've been meaning to write this post since the beginning of the year. Maybe because there's an inkling of this year becomes a year when I really aware of what I've been going through. There are lessons, new experience, and those up-and-down moments. This is the year when, at the end, I can look back and see just how far I've been going. And most importantly, be happy about it be it better or worse.

• In the beginning of 2015, I travel to Kuala Lumpur and Melaka with Zahra and Finka. A super sudden trip where I did the itinerary and bought the ticket only in 10 days time. Things I didin't think I could do because I'm such a sucker for planning and Malaysia is 2 hours away by plane. Turns out, it was one of the best experience in the year, one of the reason being the best hot chocolate in airport McD's. The other be meeting and chatting with some of the kindest people I've ever met in Melaka. To sum up the trip, I also made this section.

• Back to Indonesia, in March, I got admitted in the hospital for the first time in my life. Despite my lack of balance and clumsiness, I rarely been to hospital before for myself. Let alone to got admitted because of a double case of typhoid and dengue fever. It was the time when I feel most ill in my whole life. There was even a moment when I can't even open the medicine for myself and ended up being in a worse condition because I skipped a dose and lunch altogether. I'm pretty sure that at that time, I realize that even if being sick might be expensive, being healthy is even more valuable.

• In April, my best friend was getting married and I got my first professional order for her friend's wedding stationary because she recommended me after I did hers on her early April wedding. I remember being all excited about it even though, technically, I'm not the one who get married. Double Yay!

• And 2015 should be the start of the year-of-wedding-for-people-my-age because there's 4 other wedding I attended throughout the year. Two of them was my close friend, and I did design some wedding stationary for them. Happiness is real when it is shared, right?

• On June, I decided that curiosity kills the cat. This is rather personal, but looking back, I can totally laughing at myself because that simple act of greetings could have me overthinking for a day. Literally.

• July has been amazing. It was the time when I have been jobless for 11 months and none of my job interviews has been a good news. To top it all, I got into one big company interview after passing the initial test, and the next day, first thing in the morning, I received an email that I didn't make it (they surely didn't take their time and calling me to move on very soon). I was pretty depressed at that time to be honest. But then, at the same month, I got accepted into my current job. Turns out Allah will always have the best plan because I can't be more grateful for a chance to learn something new (I currently working in field of landscape architect), to met new people, to realize that despite of all whining, I really like doing my job, and I got more choices for my graduate school if I decided to attend one later. So, keep on believing is never a mere words :).

• Still on July, both my brother and sister graduate from university and high school respectively. Totally a month of being grateful, wasn't it?

• On September, I got involved in a social activity. This is too, rather personal, because there's just sooooo much lesson I got from here. Couldn't be more grateful for the chance and all the time I spent struggling (and winning) to beat my lazy-self.

• Still in September, another best friend got married and I work on the most satisfying design process for her wedding invitation. Surely, is this a call for a future career?

• October has been... what? It was a month when I turned 24 and two of my best friends are getting married. It was supposed to be a joyful month, turns out it was the month when I cry too much because of personal matter. No one sick and I didn't experience any loss or anything it's just... you know, when you know what to do but you just can't... I never know that hurts more that anything. I'm okay now, anyway, and of course, looking back, it is totally silly and immature. But you got through those silly and immature things to learn a lot anyway.

• In November another friend of mine got married. See? This is just the start, I'm pretty sure about it.

• In December, working-wise, I've been to coordination meeting and learn so much more about technical drawing. Personal-wise, I got my closure. I know I've been saying that since October but in December it was real closure after what seems like years... This is rather silly, but it's just amazing that when it stops, it just stop, and then there is none. Well, there is a happy and more mature me (I think).