unsaid but hopefully well written

Waiting is not the same to being patient. Being patient is choosing the right thing and go through to see the end of it. You can be patient by waiting and holding yourself. But there's so much shapes to being patient and it isn't the only one.

If the right thing is to wait, then it is. If the right thing is to hold yourself, then it is. If the right thing is to leave, then it is.

Don't fool yourself and blurring the difference between being right and being kind. You can always be kind after being right.

And you will always have the choice. You will always have.

"jangan berhenti // yang kau takutkan takkan terjadi.."

picture source : here

Susah? Banget. Kalau yang saya tulis barusan itu level 100, saya kayaknya bolak balik di level 1-10. Berulang-ulang kali mempertanyakan pilihan sikap saya dan berulang-ulang kali juga berusaha memilih yang kedua.

But practice makes progress and everytime, it will hurt a little less (borrowing a phrase I read in someone's instagram stories). Oiya sama sekalian nambahin, choosing the second option doesn't mean I don't get hurt. Buat saya sakit hati itu manusiawi, semacam refleks. Sakit iya, sedih iya. Tapi, balik lagi. Mau ke dokter atau mau didiemin aja itu sakitnya? Mau nangis sampai pusing dan mata bengkak karena inget sama manusia atau mau inget sama Allah aja sampe ketiduran terus besoknya bangun dan udah lupa.

I might sound too harsh to myself tapi saya percaya, saya lagi perlu seperti itu. I still watch the funniest tv shows if that means I can forget about hurtful things a little faster. And it's alright, as long as I know which option I'm choosing.

Lagipula, semakin saya berusaha memilih yang kedua, semakin saya melihat kesempatan-kesempatan yang belum tentu bisa saya dapatkan kalau saya menyerah ke pilihan pertama.

So, can I choose to be happy? Sure. Am I deserve to be happy? Yes I 1000% deserve the happiness.

from here

Don't make people mistake as your excuse for your wrongdoing.

Source : [x]

Saya ini anaknya gampang terpengaruh. Gampaaaang sekali. Like the easiest thing to do to me is to influence me (aside from making me happy, that's also easy).

Mau beli buku, liat review di Goodreads dan ada yang ngasih rating 1 plus review ini itu, saya langsung naro balik bukunya ke rak.

Suka banget sama Cheese in the Trap, gara-gara sekeliling saya banyakan yang pro Sunbae saya gak nerusin nontonnya (the ending sucks, they said).

Looking at some beautifully taken and instagrammable photos on my feed by several people, I refrain myself from posting photos because for me, mine was not share-able enough.

Jaman kuliah dulu yang paling parah, saya pernah nggak ada masalah sama orang tapi jadi ikutan sebel karena kata temen saya si orang itu nyebelin banget.

Yes, it was that bad.

The same thing also happened in the office. Waktu dua orang teman saya resign di bulan yang sama, I think a lot about resigning. Dua teman saya itu adalah orang-orang yang rame banget di kantor, dan saya nggak yakin kalau saya bisa tetap ada di kantor tanpa mereka (because that means bigger responsibility).

Another thing is that resigning is such a hot topic in the office. We get along well, but we didn't get along so much with the workload. Saya tau ada saatnya orang-orang yang sudah jadi tim yang asik selama hampir setahun ini akan resign dan jalan masing-masing. Saya sendiri, awalnya, punya target ini itu soal kerja dan kuliah dan mungkin having a business to make my dream of having a home office came true. Tapi setelah dengar target resign orang-orang, yang saya pikirkan adalah kapan saya akan resign karena saya nggak mau merasa ditinggal sama orang-orang yang menyenangkan ini.

Hal lainnya adalah, saya jadi ikutan sebel, ikutan nggak suka sama seseorang cuma karena teman saya nggak suka sama orang itu. Padahal, saya nggak merasa ada masalah sama orang itu. I do think she has her own judgement and priority, things we don't see on the surfaces.

Overtime, I realize, that I might not living my life to the fullest because of that. Gampaaaaang banget kepengaruh sama orang lain dan menjadikan standar bagusnya orang lain jadi semacam patokan untuk bagusnya saya. Di saat yang sama, teman-teman yang ada di sekeliling saya adalah orang yang emang artistik, a very good observer who always have good stories to tell, dan yang emang oke aja gitu (menurut saya). Jadi after being an easy prey to be influenced (even when people didn't mean to) kemudian saya jadi insecure. Do I really deserve to be friend with them, mereka tuh oke banget, pasti orang ngeliatnya gue si penggembira doang.

Dari situ saya sadar, I can't let myself defined by others. Bukannya saya nggak terima dinilai orang, tapi jangan sampai saya menilai diri saya sendiri berdasarkan standar yang saya lihat di orang lain. Bukannya orang lain nggak boleh punya pendapat, tapi saya harus menghargai pendapat saya sendiri tentang sesuatu.

Kenyataannya, in Goodreads, I rate an average book as a 5 stars and it was my favorite book of all time, on the other hand, I rate a 4-point-something book a 1 star because it wasn't my kind of story.

After a short chat with a friend, saya inget saya nonton Cheese in the Trap karena suka sama ceritanya, sama karakternya, sama baju-bajunya Hong Seol, sama EunTaek dan Bora and what gets me the most is the friendship between Baek In Ho and Hong Seol (was he a bad guy? The story is kind of complicated), not so much the love story between the main lead (though I enjoyed that too, but more on a neutral ground).

The thing about having a social media is to share what I need to share, bukan yang bagus atau yang pamer atau yang pretentious. And so does other people, yang beda adalah definisi what they need to share-nya. I can define it myself and I don't need to be defined or defining other people.

Dan yang terakhir, saya punya mimpi saya sendiri, punya level toleransi sendiri, punya cara sendiri untuk menghadapi orang lain. Kalau yang diomongin orang lain adalah kapan mereka mau resign karena nggak tahan dengan kondisi kantor, yang saya harus pikirkan adalah gimana caranya to squeeze out all the lesson before moving on to the next stage, whether going to graduate school or managing my own thing. Kalau ada seseorang yang jadi common enemy, bukan berarti saya juga harus ikutan. I seriously need to see good in people. I need to save myself from hating too much and that seriously worth it.

Ngebahas ini, saya jadi inget ada yang pernah bilang kalau kita harusnya banyak menghabiskan waktu sama orang-orang yang vibes-nya positif. Yang optimis, yang punya banyak ide, or simply those who have good thoughts. Sama orang-orang yang menghargai pendapat orang lain dan firmly stand on their own opinion. Orang-orang yang bisa bikin saya less criticizing myself about having different preference with others and be happy, confident, and comfortable of my own opinion.

Cheers for a more optimistic, worry free, less overthinking life ahead :)

This March had been... a bit dragging, upsetting, frustating, and seemingly too long.

I confirmed a rumor to my friend once when I was on high school. Her answer was for me not to worry and that she thought I won't be asking her such thing. Other people will talk, they just don't trust what they can't explain, she said.

Maybe that's what happening to me. I just don't trust what I can't explain, of what I don't know yet, of things that is not yet to happen.

Distrust. Such a scary word, isn't it?

To quote my friend on her line's status; am I willing to exchange all those years of faith, of things I finally achieve, of the life I lead to this point, to a distrust from an overthinking human?

No matter how hard it feels right now, I know what I have to do, I know what I need to do. The rest, I don't need to explain, time will reveal, He will reveal.

Allah, aku ingin ikhlas.

I've been meaning to write this post since the beginning of the year. Maybe because there's an inkling of this year becomes a year when I really aware of what I've been going through. There are lessons, new experience, and those up-and-down moments. This is the year when, at the end, I can look back and see just how far I've been going. And most importantly, be happy about it be it better or worse.

• In the beginning of 2015, I travel to Kuala Lumpur and Melaka with Zahra and Finka. A super sudden trip where I did the itinerary and bought the ticket only in 10 days time. Things I didin't think I could do because I'm such a sucker for planning and Malaysia is 2 hours away by plane. Turns out, it was one of the best experience in the year, one of the reason being the best hot chocolate in airport McD's. The other be meeting and chatting with some of the kindest people I've ever met in Melaka. To sum up the trip, I also made this section.

• Back to Indonesia, in March, I got admitted in the hospital for the first time in my life. Despite my lack of balance and clumsiness, I rarely been to hospital before for myself. Let alone to got admitted because of a double case of typhoid and dengue fever. It was the time when I feel most ill in my whole life. There was even a moment when I can't even open the medicine for myself and ended up being in a worse condition because I skipped a dose and lunch altogether. I'm pretty sure that at that time, I realize that even if being sick might be expensive, being healthy is even more valuable.

• In April, my best friend was getting married and I got my first professional order for her friend's wedding stationary because she recommended me after I did hers on her early April wedding. I remember being all excited about it even though, technically, I'm not the one who get married. Double Yay!

• And 2015 should be the start of the year-of-wedding-for-people-my-age because there's 4 other wedding I attended throughout the year. Two of them was my close friend, and I did design some wedding stationary for them. Happiness is real when it is shared, right?

• On June, I decided that curiosity kills the cat. This is rather personal, but looking back, I can totally laughing at myself because that simple act of greetings could have me overthinking for a day. Literally.

• July has been amazing. It was the time when I have been jobless for 11 months and none of my job interviews has been a good news. To top it all, I got into one big company interview after passing the initial test, and the next day, first thing in the morning, I received an email that I didn't make it (they surely didn't take their time and calling me to move on very soon). I was pretty depressed at that time to be honest. But then, at the same month, I got accepted into my current job. Turns out Allah will always have the best plan because I can't be more grateful for a chance to learn something new (I currently working in field of landscape architect), to met new people, to realize that despite of all whining, I really like doing my job, and I got more choices for my graduate school if I decided to attend one later. So, keep on believing is never a mere words :).

• Still on July, both my brother and sister graduate from university and high school respectively. Totally a month of being grateful, wasn't it?

• On September, I got involved in a social activity. This is too, rather personal, because there's just sooooo much lesson I got from here. Couldn't be more grateful for the chance and all the time I spent struggling (and winning) to beat my lazy-self.

• Still in September, another best friend got married and I work on the most satisfying design process for her wedding invitation. Surely, is this a call for a future career?

• October has been... what? It was a month when I turned 24 and two of my best friends are getting married. It was supposed to be a joyful month, turns out it was the month when I cry too much because of personal matter. No one sick and I didn't experience any loss or anything it's just... you know, when you know what to do but you just can't... I never know that hurts more that anything. I'm okay now, anyway, and of course, looking back, it is totally silly and immature. But you got through those silly and immature things to learn a lot anyway.

• In November another friend of mine got married. See? This is just the start, I'm pretty sure about it.

• In December, working-wise, I've been to coordination meeting and learn so much more about technical drawing. Personal-wise, I got my closure. I know I've been saying that since October but in December it was real closure after what seems like years... This is rather silly, but it's just amazing that when it stops, it just stop, and then there is none. Well, there is a happy and more mature me (I think).

The last year might have been a year of learning.

Not in a context of going to school and learn, but squeezing out the lesson from everyday life. From my AutoCad skill to going home early in the morning only to go back to the office just half an hour after I arrived.

22 was eventful. I was being a fresh graduate, getting accepted in my first job, getting paid, going abroad for the first time, getting the chance to be in a project meeting, traveling by plane (yes, for the very first time), even deciding to move on from a routine, and so on and so on.

I can't count, (and doesn't have any desire to count anyway) the blessing. But if I have to choose one of most important lesson I've learnt throughout the last year, that would be to try to see good in people, because it's worth it.

There will be a lot of people to meet in the future, there will be various personalities, tempers, background, and even nationalities. And even though it's easier to judge, try to see good in people has a better effect for the future.

It's time to be brave. To take the chances like there's nothing to lose. Because there won't be anyway. Don't stress the could haves, they said. If it should have, it would have.

...

and hello, 23

Katanya nagging itu sayang. Kata siapaaaa? Katanya...

The older the person gets, I think the more difficult it is to understand his/her mind in couples of try. Especially when we were too attached and start to, unconscioulsy, taking them for granted.

Meet my grandfather, a person I called ompung my whole life, who consistently resisting to go to Jakarta everytime his children asked him to visit. The one who can't stay for more than an hour in a family visit (we count it last lebaran. It's rude, I know...), and who asked when we leave as soon as we are arrived.

We can't get too detail with him; at the specific time, he will start to ask why we haven't leave or arrived. It gets annoyying, I should agree. He will making phonecalls when we are not arrived on time. Or when we won't leave, he will asked why, even if it's a trivial reason like waiting to get into the bathroom, or finishing lunch.

Yesterday, my aunt's family left to went to other city at noon. My grandfather asked my father to call her to asked whether she has arrived at around 7 pm, and she said thay she was still on her way. It was supposed to be a 2 hour drive from my grandparent's house, but she arrived at 9 pm; 7 hours after she departed.

At dinner, he seems to be a bit sad. While taking his food, he asked to my parents whether my aunt has taken some food with her to be eaten on the way. He also said that he was about to sent my aunt right after we finished breakfast because for him, it will be much easier to handle the road when it's still daytime, rather than nighttime when it's already dark.

He was worried, in such a roundabout way.

I will keep this one for the day when my parents start to nag me around. It was a sign of worry and love, in such a roundabout way.

Noted!

Di sela-sela leyeh-leyeh long weekend, saya scrolling contact whatsapp. Iseng. Tidak bermaksud apa-apa, tapi kemudian saya teringat, sedang ada yang berubah.

And I can't decide whether it was for the better because I started to see things not in black and white, but from what people see, this particular change may not be a good one.

Saya senyum miris sendiri, begini nih kalo kangennya ngomong doang. Cuma buat bahan chatting whatsapp/Line/facebook doang. Kangennya ngomong doang tapi nggak usaha. Siapa yang tahu, saat saya lagi mikirin seseorang dan mikir, "aduh kangen banget nih. Tapi gue ini-itu-ini-itu," sebenarnya orang yang lagi saya pikirin itu lagi butuh temen ngobrol. No, not even temen ngobrol, mungkin cuma butuh presence orang lain yang bisa bikin dia nggak ngerasa sendirian.

Apa susahnya, ketik sms; "apa kabar? kalo aku ke deket-deket sana, kita ketemu, yaaa :)" lalu saat weekend, bukannya mikir udah capek kerja lima hari penuh dan mau istirahat aja; bangun dan pergilah, janjian. Mungkin bukan selamanya buat orang yang saya samperin, tapi mungkin juga buat saya sendiri.

To grasp the happiness I might not found in daily basis when I'm too busy looking at the whole picture. Macam Alyo ngerekam Kalin buat jadi cadangan energi. Friends work that way too.

Lain kali, kangennya jangan cuma ngomong doang ya, Fit.

Noted now.

Unlike most heroine in shoujo manga (and the stereotyping on girl in high school that come afterwards), I can say that my favorite subject is math.

I didnt like it at first when I was on elementary school. But one of my friend said that doing math is like solving a riddle. And I remember my mother started to teach math in a kind of cram school only for math subject so she can also taught me at home. Then, I get into a sempoa course for about 2 years. I think I'm getting along well with math ever since. I don't become a master in math or anything, it's just that I got used to it.

I remember doing my exercise book ahead of time on middle school and getting the highest score for my first test on high school (because I've learn the subject on middle school). I like the subject to the point that I choose it as my second major on university entrance test.

Until now, I believe that the only way to conquer the subject is to practice. By practicing, we will come to a point of understanding. It is important because by understanding one thoery, it is easier to understand another since it's all linked. And what I love about math is that it is something that has answers. No matter what kind of problem it is, there should be at least a way to solve it.

Another thing about math is that after a while, it will come to you naturally. What to read in a question, what is that all about, what kind of problem it was, what to do first, and what step that comes after. Doing math and finding the answer is a bit like advanced a level in Candy Crush. It's exciting and satisfying and makes me want to do more.

So, a couple of days ago, I was thinking about that and comparing it to my current job. I was watching my principal works as the thought hits me. Doing my job is a bit like doing math. Practicing has a big role in order to be used to it (and I dont say to mastered it) and after a while (though it may take longer that what it takes on doing math) it will come naturally as I become used to it.

There's so many things to think of like, how does it look like, how to get people to walk there, how to build that, how to make it works and so on. But so does math, I remember imagining a way out before actually writing my solution on paper, and it was naturally happen. So I think, after a while, it will come just as natural.

I just need to go the extra mile.

I remember this part from Ika Natassa's Antologi Rasa. Adegannya Keara dan Ruli ngobrol dan sama-sama setuju kalau kerjaan mereka adalah sesuatu yang mereka lakukan between weekends, to keep them alive, to afford their living if I have to make it simple.

"Karena amanah tak pernah salah memilih pundak" Maka untuk hal-hal yang terasa berat ingatlah bahwa tiap amanah hakikatnya adalah bimbingan, tiap sentinya adalah pembinaan. Jangan kalah, nikmatilah. Karena proses pendakian bukanlah tentang puncak, tapi bagaimana tetap berusaha untuk menapak - sms hanifa

Sejatinya amanah itu, Bukan karena kamu mampu Bukan pula karena mereka merasa kamu mampu Bukan karena kamu tahu kapasitasmu Bukan pula karena mereka tahu kapasitasmu Dan jangan sampai pula karena kemauanmu Amanah itu kehendak Allah, rencana Allah atas kehidupanmu Bahkan sekiranya semua orang di sekitarmu berhimpun untuk menjauhkanmu dari amanah itu, jika Allah tahu itu yang terbaik bagimu, maka ia berikan amanah itu kepadamu. Bahkan sekiranya semua orang disekitarmu bersepakat menyatakan bahwa kamu tak mampu, jika Allah tahu amanah itu jalan terbaik untuk meningkatkan kapasitas dirimu, maka ia berikan amanah itu kepadamu. Bahkan sekiranya semua orang disekitarmu berupaya maksimal agar seseorang yang bukan dirimu yang mengemban amanah itu, jika Allah ingin mendidikmu dengan amanah itu, maka ia berikan amanah itu kepadamu. Bahkan sekiranya seluruh aibmu seketika memenuhi fikiranmu dan membuatmu berhenti melangkah karena ragu, jika Allah tahu amanah itu akan membuatmu menjadi hamba yang semakin baik dan semakin dekat dengan-Nya, maka amanah itu akan Dia berikan kepadamu. Percayalah, ada rencana terbaik yang sudah Allah persiapkan, Sikapilah dengan ikhtiar terbaik yang kamu lakukan, Serta pertanggungjawaban terbaik yang bisa kamu persiapkan. Sekali lagi, ini bukan tentang kamu dan mereka, ini tentang kamu dan Dia Dan melangkahlah dengan percaya, bahwa bersama-Nya semuanya akan baik-baik saja

statusnya hanifa. bismillah.

hello, this is my first week on my 8 semester. and yes, during my thesis semester, I plan to write things I learn  throughout the months until this August.

FYI, in my uni, even though I'm majoring architecture which is a part of engineering faculty, we have to write a thesis, and not doing some kind of 'tugas akhir' like most of people doing in another uni.

one obstacle that you meet at the beginning of your thesis semester is to decide what to write about. It can be pretty time-consuming I should say. Yet exciting at the same time. I'm now in the week where I have to choose my topic (carefully) and my professor as well. And this is the week where the attack of 'not confident and insignificant' come.

At some point, I know that I have a low expectation on myself, and I'm not proud of it. When the first week's task is to decide on something, having that kind of view on yourself is not advantageous at all. And actually, it is never good.

So I think the time has come for me to realize that somehow, I gotta go through this. Got to have the determination to finish this in the next 3 months. Gotta defeat the 14 weeks ahead of me by conquering myself first. After all I will not going anywhere if I had not pass this stage, aren't I?

that is my first week on my (insya Allah) last semester. Have a good semester everyone! :D :D

I can't blame architecture for making me reading less books in the last 3 and a half years. Maybe even less than what I've read in a year when I was on high school. But anyway, It's sucks to realize that my speed on reading has become worse. When I usually finish a good book less in a day (for around 300 pages I think) now, I easily drifted off from the pages.

So, I decided to make a comeback on reading

This year, it will be nice if I can :

1. Read up to 40 titles minimum. Less is worse
2. Finish all the books that I started reading. Not that I can't read other books if I get bored, I just have to finish what I've started
3. Buy more books without thinking
4. Reading less romantic-genre

Maybe I will put some review here once in a while. And this is my list for February :