unsaid but hopefully well written

For a friend who is out there,

I've heard or maybe read somewhere that it's impossible to found someone who doesn't want to be found. And the line never strikes me so bad until today.

I think we were on good terms on the last four years if we weren't best of friends. I share some stories, and so do you. Of course at first I didn't think that we could become friends as we do for the last four years, but isn't that how a good friend usually explain their first meeting?

Anyway, the four years has passed and I never thought of friendship as a Cinderella's fairy's magic that will lost it's power overtime. I do think about it as a precious things you nurture, a second home, a place where you can be sure that you have a second support system aside from your family. And i never believe that geography matters in this subject. It's the presence that counts, whatever it takes.

But then again, as much as my worries, I also aware that we are grown-ups whose problems might be much harder than a mere un-solvable calculus calculation. As much as I miss your presence, you might have your own thinking, as you always do, and you might come to a conclusion that it's best to stay away for a while.

You know what? I think I can learn to understand that.

After all, if it's really impossible to found someone who doesn't want to be found. maybe, just maybe, when you are ready, we'll finally find us again. Maybe we'll reminiscing the past like the spacing had never happened. Maybe we'll start from the scratch where we were awkward. Or maybe, just maybe, we'll be strangers who wonder about what could have been if we were doing the past differently.

For a friend who is out there, at the very least, you should know that people are missing you much.

Looking forward to hear from you :)

The only thing that is constant is change - Heraclitus

Change happens, either you want it or not.

One of my best friend told me that it was the peer pressure and her academic circumstances that initially got her to let go of her big-white-super comfortable sport shoes into some flat shoes, loafers, and sometimes, high heels. Another friend of mine said to me that I'm the only one who still use my university outfit to office without having any slight thought to change (or maybe I do care about my worn-out running shoes and deciding to buy a new one but apparently, I shouldn't wear running shoes for meeting so the plan got cancelled).

So that was my friend, and I who refuses to change but apparently had to. Yet, I think for the very short period of three months, I've been changing a lot.

I've been an avid reader who could change book every day but now I can read one book in two weeks (and it's depressing actually).

I've been a diligent diary writer for 7 years and now I didn't even write for about a month.

I've been constantly whining about working over time but at the end of the day, I'm the one who decided to stay late.
I've been dying to continue on my study right away after I graduate, who knows I would love (and hate) my job (equally) and I've got no plan on leaving.

I've been thinking that although I can learn a lot from my job right now (technically and personally), sometimes, weekends keep me sane. And also, it is normal to have a thought of having a day off every now and then. And by thinking that way, I'm not taking back what I've said about the Keara and Ruly's scene I once wrote here.

I've been having a lot of change in thoughts, about my life, about my job, about people around me, about relationship, about my ideal future life, almost about everything.

My friends around me are changing too, some of them are chasing their dreams, changing their plans, and I can see some of them in a different light. Some of them come, some go, and some of them just disappear. But some of them stay, no matter how far I've changed by now.

The only thing that is constant is change. And it's exciting now to see me reflecting upon myself. What unconscious change I've done to myself, what kind of change that I want to see in the near future. Step by step, brick by brick, I re-planning my goals, re-writing my targets. And I will stop every now and then to see what have I become.

Hopefully it's always for the better.

Well eventually, over time, we all become our own doppelgangers. These completely different people who just happen to look like us. Five years ago? That girl was pretty great. But doppelganger Robin? She's amazing. - Ted Mosby 

This has been my mantra for the last couple days. Semoga selalu berkah dan tetap bahagia :)

I made this post because I was moved by this short writing. And because screaming I FEEEEEL YOUUU will lost how deep its meaning for me (imo) I decided to share some things here.

finally weekend!

I have to admit that even though it was inspiring and fun and boring and interesting and everything at the same time, I love my job right now. But sure I also love to make plans for weekend. I started it on Wednesday, my plans for weekend. Even more advanced, two weeks before the weekend.

And so, this weekend, my plan is to going out with friends from uni (and having a big big laugh for half a day though I should say that it started a bit rough) on Saturday and going to a book fair on Sunday (though I couldn't go with my friend like I had planned because the event wasn't as big as I predicted before) and I got a bonus for coming home earlier on Friday and bought a very interesting book by John Green : An Abundance of Katherines.

The book was super-highly recommended though maybe for most people the book may not be interesting because it contains math (and I think my brain had enough formula and sketches and graphs and papers and diagrams from my high school days) but it was a John Green's and he was like the wittiest writer ever (because I only read YA and fantasies, and so pardon my choice of reading and my claim because I don't read that much though I'm an avid reader).

And more books, yes because I went to the book fair.

An Abundance of Katherines (John Green) - Bad Kitty (Michele Jaffe) - Princess of Gossip (Sabrina Bryan and Julia DeVilles) - Rumah Cokelat and Sand  Castle (Sitta Karina)

Is it too much for a weekend? I think I have a supply for a full month considering my working hours. But anyway, isn't it joyful to have things to do, things to read just before you fall asleep?

happy reading :)

I've been thinking of making things like this since the semester started. I did not know that I need months to complete and finally uploaded these. But anyway, here's my thesis semester in pictures :)

I remember this part from Ika Natassa's Antologi Rasa. Adegannya Keara dan Ruli ngobrol dan sama-sama setuju kalau kerjaan mereka adalah sesuatu yang mereka lakukan between weekends, to keep them alive, to afford their living if I have to make it simple.

"Karena amanah tak pernah salah memilih pundak" Maka untuk hal-hal yang terasa berat ingatlah bahwa tiap amanah hakikatnya adalah bimbingan, tiap sentinya adalah pembinaan. Jangan kalah, nikmatilah. Karena proses pendakian bukanlah tentang puncak, tapi bagaimana tetap berusaha untuk menapak - sms hanifa

insecurities itu mungkin karena kamu nggak mau bukan nggak bisa. karena kamu terlalu banyak mikir bukan bergerak. dan karena kamu mikirin apa kata orang bukan kata hati sendiri.

saya belajar tentang ekspektasi dari sampul buku. Katanya don't judge the book by its cover, karena, literally cover itu misleading. Sampul dan judul sebuah buku biasanya bikin saya memiliki ekspektasi tertentu terhadap isi bukunya. Tapi bukannya jarang saya kesal sendiri karena buku-buku favorit saya kovernya malah visually annoying.

No offense untuk pembuat covernya ya, menurut saya, ekspektasi juga masalah selera.

Saya baru baca buku, one of my current-favorite, judulnya The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight. Saya suka ceritanya, tapi saat pertama kali saya liat bukunya, saya berharap akan menemukan lines semacam : 'God bless peripheral vision' (from This is a Love Story) atau 'Because you are my friend, Seaweed Brain, anymore stupid question?' (from Percy Jackson). Tapi ternyata tidak. Meskipun saya suka ceritanya, it is a bit disappointing that I can't found any lines I could quote. Hal ini terjadi karena saya punya ekspektasi tentang witty lines saat membaca judulnya yang menarik.

Dari membaca buku, saya belajar, those expectation I have turns into something that ruin the joy of reading, of knowing someone's adventure and story (though it is purely fictional).

But expectation is human-thing and I don't think there's anything wrong by having expectation. Maybe it is started to go wrong when we start to take it seriously, the expectation we have on something or what someone has expected on us. Dari pengalaman saya membaca, when I take my expectation too seriously then I lost the joy of reading.

Dan dari pengalaman menulis saya belajar, to fulfill someone's expectation is never an easy work. It will ruin the joy of the process because we do things based on what someone's want, not what we want. Lagi-lagi, menurut saya ekspektasi itu masalah selera.

Isn't it easier to do things based on something absolute?

IMHO

Dua minggu terakhir saya ngobrol sama beberapa teman dan akhirnya berkesimpulan, people judge anyway.

Teman saya yang pertama, with a bit arrogance, bilang sama saya kalo sebaiknya temen saya yang lain urusin aja dulu kuliahnya baru ngurus hal yang lainnya. Pada awalnya mungkin, kalo ada yang denger, pasti mikirnya ini orang sombong banget. Ngeremehin orang banget, nggak liat usaha orang banget. Toh urusan yang mau diurusin juga penting. Kenapa harus bawa-bawa kuliah segala? Dua urusan ini berbeda, kan?

Lalu temen saya yang lain, di kesempatan yang berbeda, bilang, kalo maksud temen saya yang pertama ini sebetulnya adalah mempertanyakan integritas si orang yang disuruh kuliah ini. Being a dictionary freak, I look it up on dictionary and found that

integrity means the quality of being honest and having strong moral principal

Segitu pentingnya kah apa yang kita tunjukkan ke orang lain? Penting. Karena mata fungsinya untuk melihat. We see even before we hear. That's why there's a saying don't judge a book by it's cover.

But people judge anyway.

People see who we are even before listen to what we have in mind. Gimana mau didengar atau kenal sama orang lain kalau, misalnya, masuk kuliah jarang, mainnya sama orang yang itu-itu aja, ditanya kuliah gimana jawabnya ngasal, dan lain sebagainya. Lebih jauh lagi kalo ngakunya orang Islam. Lalu gimana orang lain mau mengenal Islam kalau yang ditunjukkan sama orang Islamnya adalah yang berantakan, nggak jelas, dan seenak-enaknya.

People judge anyway, they don't want to know are you sick, angry, have some issues, anything at all. When people judge it will come down to a label of yourself . I'm not saying that it is better to be poker faced, manis kesana sini, dan nggak punya pendirian. People judge, so let's make them form a good opinion, not the ones that is disapproving. We judge people anyway, so let it stay in our heart and keep in mind that people should have their own issues.

Jadi apa kover itu penting? Penting. Penting sekali. Supaya kita bisa punya kesan pertama yang baik, professional, dan nggak diremehin orang. Dan ini sebetulnya urusan sepele. Urusan datang tepat waktu, urusan pakaian, dan urusan tingkah laku. I do judge books by its cover literally, I think I do the same with people and so does people with me. Vice versa. People judge anyway, it's our choice to let them see only the best of we are.

I have weird addiction to lines. People's dialogue, lyrics of a song, words on a novel, et cetera. Things Annabeth said to Percy or how Taylor Swift define 22 : it's miserable and magical.

lem paling oke buat gini adalah lem fox. uhu juga sih, tapi susah ngeleteknya. kalo lem korea yang belinya di kereta gitu paling sakit, jangan sampe kena tangan.

[source]

qul khairan au liyasmuth. berkatalah yang baik atau diam.

Satu hal yang selalu diulang-ulang bunda, berkatalah yang baik atau diam. Awalnya ngomong ini karena sebagai 4 bersaudara, kami suka berantem kata-kataan di rumah. Tapi setelah dipikir-pikir, sebenernya nggak butuh kata-kata bahasa arab semacam ini untuk percaya bahwa menjaga ucapan itu penting. There are instances out there, dari satu ucapan yang diinterpretasikan berbagai orang, acara infotainment aja sekarang udah banyak banget. Satu ucapan bisa mengundang banyak hal, yang baik maupun yang buruk.

Saya sendiri merasa beruntung karena diajarkan seperti ini sejak awal. Not that I'm not talking harsh sometimes but still in most cases, I feel it improper. Saya pernah dengar ada anak SMP ngobrol sama temennya dengan kata-kata kasar nggak perlu yang diselipin di antara ucapannya. Bahkan banyakan kata-kata kasarnya daripada kata-kata yang mau dia ucapkan. Keras-keras pula ngomongnya. Isn't it disturbing? Gimana kalau di sekitar ada orang tua dan ada anak kecil. Memang bukan ditujukan ke mereka, tapi kan tidak sopan dan bisa jadi justru ditiru sama anak-anak kecil itu.

Karena sekarang sedang Ramadhan, yuk coba latih diri, menjaga lisan. Saya pernah baca begini :

Sesungguhnya shaum adalah tabir penghalang dari perbuatan dosa. Maka apabila seseorang dari kamu sedang melakukan shaum, janganlah ia mengucapkan sesuatu yang keji dan janganlah ia berbuat jahil. Dan seandainya ada orang lain yang mengajaknya berkelahi atau menunjukkan cercaan kepadanya, hendaklah ia berkata, "aku sedang melakukan shaum"

Bukannya sayang kalau sudah menahan lapar dan haus kurang lebih 13 jam, mendisiplinkan diri sholat 5 waktu, rajin tarawih ke masjid, dan berbuat baik membantu ibu menyiapkan makanan sahur dan berbuka, tapi pahalanya berkurang hanya karena tidak menjaga lisan?

Ramadhan itu bulan pembiasaan, bulan yang baik, dan bulan dimana Allah dengan royal membagi-bagi pahala pada orang yang mengerjakan kebaikan. Bismillah. Semoga Ramadhannya berkah! :)

Beliau... mengatakan bahwa mereka semua dapat menjadi a better person sesuai dengan kemampuan dan kelebihannya masing-masing. Nara yang playboy dan genius, Reno yang supel dan fleksibel, Inez yang cantik dan lembut, Bianca si pembela kebenaran yang tomboy, dan Diaz... yang dingin dan penyendiri.
Yeah rite, batin Diaz dalam hati dengan lesu. Menjadi a better person dengan gue yang kayak gini, apa bisa? - sitta karina

bagi yang belum baca bisa baca di sini

Sejatinya amanah itu, Bukan karena kamu mampu Bukan pula karena mereka merasa kamu mampu Bukan karena kamu tahu kapasitasmu Bukan pula karena mereka tahu kapasitasmu Dan jangan sampai pula karena kemauanmu Amanah itu kehendak Allah, rencana Allah atas kehidupanmu Bahkan sekiranya semua orang di sekitarmu berhimpun untuk menjauhkanmu dari amanah itu, jika Allah tahu itu yang terbaik bagimu, maka ia berikan amanah itu kepadamu. Bahkan sekiranya semua orang disekitarmu bersepakat menyatakan bahwa kamu tak mampu, jika Allah tahu amanah itu jalan terbaik untuk meningkatkan kapasitas dirimu, maka ia berikan amanah itu kepadamu. Bahkan sekiranya semua orang disekitarmu berupaya maksimal agar seseorang yang bukan dirimu yang mengemban amanah itu, jika Allah ingin mendidikmu dengan amanah itu, maka ia berikan amanah itu kepadamu. Bahkan sekiranya seluruh aibmu seketika memenuhi fikiranmu dan membuatmu berhenti melangkah karena ragu, jika Allah tahu amanah itu akan membuatmu menjadi hamba yang semakin baik dan semakin dekat dengan-Nya, maka amanah itu akan Dia berikan kepadamu. Percayalah, ada rencana terbaik yang sudah Allah persiapkan, Sikapilah dengan ikhtiar terbaik yang kamu lakukan, Serta pertanggungjawaban terbaik yang bisa kamu persiapkan. Sekali lagi, ini bukan tentang kamu dan mereka, ini tentang kamu dan Dia Dan melangkahlah dengan percaya, bahwa bersama-Nya semuanya akan baik-baik saja

statusnya hanifa. bismillah.

to tell the truth might be the hardest thing someone could ever committed. I know it sounds super-exaggerated but it may be true in some condition. For example, in condition where people believe that majority is true. Then it becomes the true is what majority think it is.

I've been in one (or two, or maybe more) condition where I couldn't find the guts to tell the truth. I'm not being proud by letting people know about it, either making a justification (and this writing is a self reflection). The moment I can't say what I believe as the truth to majority of people that's the moment I know I have problem with myself.

So, while feeling guilty, I texted a friend, telling her that I don't feel right about keeping myself silence at that time and also afraid that I might have been telling the truth but then make it more acceptable by ended up giving tolerance by saying things that show that I also agree with that condition, even though I did not. So my friend reply was :

"kamu yang kenal temen kamu itu gimana karakternya. Ada yang bisa nerima pas kita frontal, ada yang emang yaudah kita mikir aja. Dan kebanyakan milih gak usah nyinggung soal hal yang kamu bilang itu, karena itu buah dari akar, kan? Kalo akarnya kuat, bener, buahnya ya bagus. Tapi kamu tetep nunjukin prinsip yang dipegangnya itu. Mereka juga ngerti kok,"

That was, once again, not a justification but only another way to tell the truth. You see, people have come from a very different background with different way of teaching, way of thinking, et cetera. Their way of accepting different things are also different. There might be some people who went angry over small-unimportant things or maybe just sit down in silence, letting things they know is wrong happened in front of their eyes.

It is important to be sure about who you are, what you are, and to tell people about that. Identity is something that make people recognize you. From the start, make people recognize you at one go, that way, you might have told people what you believe in without a word. That way, you might mingle with anyone else and the truth that you believe in may had spread a little bit wider.

Sure enough, screaming has less relation with acceptance but doing nothing has never been an answer.

-IMHO

"Allah menghadirkan rasa ragu, mungkin Dia sedang mempertanyakan, adakah kontribusi untuk Ku dalam rencanamu?" - una's text message

there's a chapter in my life that would be hard to forget. The one I would like to have it open like a book I read on my sleepless night, the one I would like to embrace until the end. That is a chapter of the time I start to read and learn. And that is a chapter that running along right beside me. Never try to pull me into a teary-nostalgic-feeling, the one that encourage me to do better. On and on.

jadi mahasiswa tingkat akhir itu berarti jadi orang yang dihujani pertanyaan yang didahului dengan kata 'apa' ('apa topik skripsinya?'), dilanjutkan dengan 'kapan' (misalnya 'kapan lulus?' dan 'kapan wisuda?' lebih jauh lagi 'kapan mulai cari kerja?' dan 'kapan nikah' (yang terakhir kejauhan sih keponya)) yang diikuti dengan pertanyaan di mana ('mau kerja di mana?' 'mau lanjut sekolah di mana?' dan 'udah daftar di mana aja?').

saya pernah baca tulisan orang yang udah lulus, dia bilang intinya begini 'kalo nggak kenal-kenal banget nggak usahlah nanya-nanya abis lulus ini dia mau ke mana. it is indeed the hardest question we didn't learn in university'. dan saya setuju sama hal itu. pertanyaan ini terlalu nyebelin (meskipun jawabannya penting).

percayalah teman-teman walaupun kita nggak dapet sinyal satu semester penuh jadi orang tua sama sekali nggak bisa nanyain progres skripsi dan kapan wisuda dilaksanakan sampe ga bisa scroll timeline twitter untuk tau keluh kesah orang-orang tentang skripsi masing-masing atau laporan progress masing-masing, pertanyaan-pertanyaan di atas itu tetep aja menghantui (dengan versi macam-macam).

siapa yang nanyain? diri sendiri. satu bagian yang daleeeeeeeem dan jauuuuuuuh banget di otak dan hati, bolak-balik mempertanyakan. setelah lulus lalu apa?

dan percaya, deh, to take a step forward is never easy.

saya bisa aja menjabarkan beberapa kemungkinan yang bisa terjadi setelah saya lulus. tapi untuk mengambil first step itu, sampai sekarang saya masih ragu. entah karena apa. sepertinya masih ada yang mengganjal. walaupun ini jadi reminder juga sih, saya harusnya bersyukur. enam belas tahun belakangan ini saya sekolah nggak berenti nggak pake galau mau masuk sekolah yang mana. lancaaaarrrr kayak jalanan di kampus.

ini kali pertama saya tahu perpindahana fasenya tidak akan semudah dulu. sekarang saya yang memutuskan, mau ke mana, mau apa, mau di mana, mau bagaimana...

to move on is never easy, either to take a step forward. the future might not pitch black, but it is so bright that it is blinding. yang pasti, kemanapun akhirnya, semoga saya tetap 'nggak kemana-mana'

nggak kerasa tinggal sebulan lagi.

pengumpulan draft skripsi saya tanggal 3 Juni, which means, there is less than a month for me to complete the writings. sekarang baru sadar kenapa dosen pembimbing saya beberapa minggu lalu agak panik sama kemajuan skripsi anak-anak bimbingannya. maaf ya, bu, anak bandel nih buuu~

yang jelas, saya nggak sendirian mondar-mandir baca ini itu, highlighting di sini dan di situ, plus nempel post it (setengah karena bukunya jadi keren aja gitu abis ditempelin post it) di mana-mana sampai denda buku perpus. Teman-teman saya yang jauh di sana, juga lagi pada ngurus tugas akhir, and I feeeeeeel youuu through your inspiring writing :) baik sekali ya, selagi sibuk begitu masih sempat ngingetin orang soal nilai-nilai positif hidup dan usaha kita selama hidup. jazakillah khoir.

see you on this August I guess, I'm now injecting every spirit I could to my whole body so I can finish this on time. after all, suatu kaum tidak berubah sebelum mereka merubah dirinya sendiri, bukan? Apalah yang sulit untuk Sang Pemberi Kehendak kalau determinasi, usaha, dan doamu lebih tinggi dari langit.

Semangat yaaaa yang lagi ngurusin skripsi (ngomong sama diri sendiri) dan semoga cepat selesai :)

Dulu, seorang kakak pernah bilang gini sama aku : "semakin banyak yang dibolehin buat kamu, bukannya semakin bebas, justru semakin banyak tanggung jawabnya,"

Sekarang, hampir tiap hari aku buka twitter dan facebook. Hampir tiap hari liat temen di kampus lagi ngapain, apa yang mereka share, lagi stalking apa desperate tugas, dan lain-lain. Semakin dekat sama media ternyata semakin mudah buruk sangka yah, Na. Semakin kepengen tau urusan orang, dekat sekali sama nyindir-nyindir no mention, sharing witty yet stupid lines that we don't really mean, dan curhat-curhat urusan pribadi. Waktu scrolling timeline berbanding lurus sama lemahnya tekad ngerjain tugas dan hal-hal lain yang harusnya lebih prioritas. Lebih sering sia-sia ya, jadinya.

Tapi aku harus bilang jazakillah khairan untuk kamu yang bikin account twitter dan facebook. Di tengah-tengah semua update, ada kamu yang seringnya bikin cerah hati, bikin senyum tanpa sadar, bikin inget lagi sama tujuan hidup. Bahwa Yang Maha Menolong dan Memberi itu bukannya mention balesan atau comment dari followers dan teman lainnya, tapi cuma Dia. Di tengah-tengah semua tweet beasiswa dari seluruh dunia ada kamu yang ngingetin lagi soal siapa yang sebenarnya punya kehendak dan memampukan. Bahwa mimpi semuanya sia-sia tanpa usaha dan ridho-Nya.

Buat aku, kamu contoh nyata dari omongan si  kakak. To make use of everything that is in our hand as best as we can, to share only the best, only to remind ourselves of everything that we should remember. Tetap seperti itu ya, Na. Karena katanya, kebaikan memang harus disebar. Sekecil apapun itu, harus disebar.

Semoga dengan kamu memberi, kamu diberi yang lebih lebih lebih banyaaaak lagi.

Semoga dengan kamu mengingatkan diri, makin banyak yang teringatkan juga.

Karena kebaikan memang seperti itu, ya. Nggak ngaruh kalo cuma untuk diri sendiri. Bahagia juga begitu, akan lebih bahagia kalau bisa sama-sama, bukannya sendirian.

Didoakan selalu yang terbaik buat Una. Yang meskipun udah jarang SMSan tapi tetap hadir dengan caranya sendiri. Yang meskipun jauh tapi tetap dekat dengan caranya sendiri.

Jazakillah.

Dan selamat ulang tahun :)

I stumble upon this while scrolling down my tumblr.

I have a tendency of having an over-thinking personality every-time I try to make a decision. Things I shouldn't be thinking when I'm about to move forward and start to make plans with my life. That no matter how big your dream is,  however far it may seem, if He allows, it will happen anyway.

So don't be worry, you'll make it.

Whether it is different or exactly the same as what you have been dreaming, you'll make it to that best of your life anyway.

don't worry, you'll make it.

terharu adalah ngirim draft skripsi jam 21:16 waktu Jakarta (yang berarti sekitar jam 11 di Jepang) terus dibales jam 21:30 waktu Jakarta. LIMA BELAS MENIT SAUDARA-SAUDARA! dan ini hari Minggu dan udah mau tengah malem.

waktu itu saya nanggepin temen saya yang nanya kenapa saya milih dosen ini jadi pembimbing skripsi dengan "nggak apa-apa yang penting gue diurusin," dan ternyata diurusinnya beyond imagination. kayak ancol gitu lah kira-kira.

terimakasih ya buuu. mulai sekarang janji nggak procrastinating lagi (meskipun dipanggil-panggil dramacrazy, meskipun dipanggil-panggil mangafox)

my english teacher on high school once asked me this :

"sebenernya niat kamu ikut acara ini itu apa?"

jadi waktu itu saya jadi perwakilan sekolah buat ikutan lomba bahasa inggris. dengan bahagianya saya ikutan dan bilang, saya nggak terlalu peduli menang atau kalah karena yang penting saya dapet name tag. bocah, ya? iya banget. parah banget malah bocahnya. karena guru saya akhirnya sampe nanya gitu ke saya.

kemaren ini tiba-tiba keingetan lagi pernah ditanya kayak gitu waktu SMA. Bikin mikir juga soal rencana-rencana saya ke depan. Yakin kah itu niat nya buat ibadah? Bukannya cuma buat gengsi doang? Bukannya cuma buat ngebuktiin ke orang lain doang? Ngebuktiin apa, saya juga nggak ngerti. Things are getting though somehow and sometimes I feel like I'm not keeping up with the pace of my friends. There's always a desire to do more just to be seen.

And there's where everything started to be so wrong.

Iya sih bener, kalo bukan jalannya pasti nggak akan kesitu. Tapi saya takut satu hal, takut saya berharap banyak tapi niat saya sama sekali berbeda. Takut akhirnya jadi malah nggak kemana-mana, karena katanya begini :

"Apabila kamu telah menyeleasikan ibadah haji, maka berzikirlah kepada Allah, sebagaimana kamu menyebut-nyebut nenek moyang kamu, bahkan lebih dari itu. Maka di antara manusia ada yang berdoa. "Ya Tuhan kami, berilah kami (kebaikan) di dunia," dan di akhirat dia tidak memperoleh bagian apapun," - QS 2:200

emang kalo minta dunia nggak akan ada habisnya, ya...

 

So I've met 5 of them 6 years ago. never imagine that we'll come to this phase of life. that we will find joy and happiness through this specific event. I'm more happy than I've ever remember for my friend. even no emoticon can describe my feelings properly :D

hello, this is my first week on my 8 semester. and yes, during my thesis semester, I plan to write things I learn  throughout the months until this August.

FYI, in my uni, even though I'm majoring architecture which is a part of engineering faculty, we have to write a thesis, and not doing some kind of 'tugas akhir' like most of people doing in another uni.

one obstacle that you meet at the beginning of your thesis semester is to decide what to write about. It can be pretty time-consuming I should say. Yet exciting at the same time. I'm now in the week where I have to choose my topic (carefully) and my professor as well. And this is the week where the attack of 'not confident and insignificant' come.

At some point, I know that I have a low expectation on myself, and I'm not proud of it. When the first week's task is to decide on something, having that kind of view on yourself is not advantageous at all. And actually, it is never good.

So I think the time has come for me to realize that somehow, I gotta go through this. Got to have the determination to finish this in the next 3 months. Gotta defeat the 14 weeks ahead of me by conquering myself first. After all I will not going anywhere if I had not pass this stage, aren't I?

that is my first week on my (insya Allah) last semester. Have a good semester everyone! :D :D

I can't blame architecture for making me reading less books in the last 3 and a half years. Maybe even less than what I've read in a year when I was on high school. But anyway, It's sucks to realize that my speed on reading has become worse. When I usually finish a good book less in a day (for around 300 pages I think) now, I easily drifted off from the pages.

So, I decided to make a comeback on reading

This year, it will be nice if I can :

1. Read up to 40 titles minimum. Less is worse
2. Finish all the books that I started reading. Not that I can't read other books if I get bored, I just have to finish what I've started
3. Buy more books without thinking
4. Reading less romantic-genre

Maybe I will put some review here once in a while. And this is my list for February :

ini post spesial (yang pastinya kebaca sama orang lain tapi nggak sama orangnya tapi kalo kebaca juga alhamdulillah) buat teman saya yang (ehm) menikah kemarin. nggak ada semacam pengumuman resmi sebenernya, bisa dibilang saya taunya dari gosip gosip di sekitar saya (iya sih, nyari gosipnya pake usaha). tapi ya, resmi nggak resmi pada intinya, pertama kali denger kabarnya saya kaget dan excited.

sebenernya merasa bersalah sih soalnya lebih excited karena (kalo diundang ke resepsi) berarti akan ada kesempatan untuk pake baju dan sepatu lucu. dari kemarin saya mikir, mau pake baju dan sepatu apa ya, kalo diundang ke resepsinya (sambil merasa bersalah karena yang dipikirin itu doang :p). tapi iya sih jadi kepikiran juga kalo akhirnya saya sampai pada tahap usia yang mulai mikirin soal that next stage of life (and I'm not going to explain it any further) yang tadinya terasa begitu jauh.

lalu mari kembali ke maksud awal bahwa post ini adalah untuk teman saya yang kemarin menikah itu. hehehehe.. selamat yaaaaa! sama sekali nggak nyangka bakal kamu duluan yang nikah (considering some of speculation made by me and some of my friends). seriusan begitu tau kabar itu, saya langsung nggak konsen ngerjain UAS karena terlalu excited dan bahagia.

you know, saat kita bahagia karena kebahagiaan orang lain itu rasanya jauh lebih bahagia daripada bahagia sendirian.

jadi sekali lagi, selamat untuk kamu ya (becandanya adalah now dobby is free huahahahhaa) and no matter how many emoticon I use won't express my happiness and excitement. so, once again, congratulation!

the most intriguing question for today was sponsored by a colleague of mine.

hari ini saya jaga pameran AFAIR 2013. kebetulan ada orang nanya soal project saya (klik tab pertama di sebelah kanan ya :)) yang ada di pameran itu. setelah saya jawab pertanyaannya, dia nanya begini : 'so what did you learn from the children?'

di luar konteks pertanyaannya yang memang nyambung sama project saya, menurut saya, pertanyaan ini intriguing. pertanyaan ini bikin saya mikir bahwa masih ada loh orang yang menghargai proses di balik sesuatu yang cuma dia liat hasilnya. that a process is one important phase is a true story. bahwa sukses atau gagal itu adalah hasil semata. bisa bikin seneng, bisa bikin kesel, bisa bikin down, dan lain-lainnya. tapi cerita dibaliknya, itu yang menentukan apakah seneng dan keselnya akan sia-sia atau nggak.

that you learn all your life is something undeniable. sadar atau tidak sadar. masalahnya adalah mau atau tidak :)

'kalau kamu di sini...' itu frase paling bikin galau sedunia. it's as if your presence will make things better and unfortunately you can't be there. it's as if you had made a wrong choice not to be there.

or in the other hand, it is a relief that you are not even there. that your presence will ruin things and it's as if you're not even wanted.

then if you're such an over-thinking kind of people then you'll suffer from this phrase

do you remember that I have posted about a community project to rejuvenate a school library? Around the end of last year, some friends of mine had taken the course and they make a very awesome library that can be check here :

http://perpustakaansekolahku.wordpress.com/

and another one here :

http://akudanperpustakaan.blogspot.com/

Both of the library are cool and the behind the scene parts are exciting. I'd like to participate in this kind of project again someday! hope you like it! Maybe some of the furniture would inspire you to make one in your own house. Since this is a (less than 2 months) job, most of them are hand made :)

time flies and things change. yesterday, a kind-of-shocking news reach me. Not in a bad way, more in a good and exciting way. And that news open up my eyes wider. Boom. Things are not the same, not in 7 years, not in a blink of an eye.

yesterday, I watched an episode from How I Met Your Mother. You know, the episode when Robin left Don because he accept a job she had turned down because she was considering her relationship with him. Robin came to Ted's apartment, and she was like crying. And then, Ted said this :

But eventually overtime, we are all becoming our own doppelgangers. you know, completely different people just happen to look like us. five years ago, Robin, that girl, she's pretty great but Doppelganger Robin, she's amazing.

We are all becoming our own doppelganger overtime. It's been almost 7 years for me, and yes, it is going to change forever. The time we spent in high school will never be repeated, no matter how hard we try to redo it. I mean, being 20something and sitting in the exact chair, listening to the exact words from the same teacher  won't ever feel like going back to sixteen. And as the time goes by, the time we spent together might change its value.We may not do silly things like singing along the street singer on the way to curug last year. We won't talking about Kungfu Komang or Happy Tree Friends because finally we have something real to do.

But as Ted says to Robin, our doppelganger in 10 years to come might even more amazing.

And after all, I still listen to GooseHouse's Sky :

No tears no sorrow
Even if tomorrow turned away
And keep us apart
'Cause this is the sky you gave to me
Every rain give birth to grace
Some day our dreams bloom
We'll walk our own way
Then looking back, 'I'm alone' you may say
Hey don't you forget
We always share the sky
Always... I'm by your side

with love to my26

anyone visited afairui.com yet?

the main event will be held in Candra Naya, Gajah Mada on January 27th. It's only 25 days to the big day! I am currently working on a project with my friends, Grace, Tria, and Edwin (all architecture batch 2009) and it will be on the exhibition!

rough sketch by Grace